Posts Tagged ‘Birthers’

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

I’ve had nightmares this day would come!! Unfortunately, that day has arrived.  Chuck Norris is after Obama….(seriously)…. to show him his birth certificate. The birthers’ dream of throwing the President out of office has now become a scary reality, if not an inevitability.  The birthers, if didn’t know, are a fringe group of crazies who insist that Obama show them his birth certificate on a daily basis, even though the birth certificate is readily available online.  These nutjobs pretend like they’ve never seen it before, despite the countless copies he and his staff hand out like fliers at town hall meetings, and the tons more they’ve thrown out of cars traveling in the President’s motorcade.  They inexplicably forget the surprise birthday party Obama threw for Birther leader Orly Taitz just two weeks ago in which the President, not only “made it rain” by dumping over 20,000 birth certificate copies on unsuspecting party patrons,  but he also went as far as printing the invitations on copies of his certificate too.  It’s like the movie Groundhog Day with these backwoods people.
They’ve been seen as a group of looneys, that is until today.  You see, Chuck Norris sent Obama a letter (written on newborn baby flesh) in which he demands that the President show him his birth certificate.
http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=105767 Great!! Now these whackjobs have legitimate muscle behind them, just what we needed- WMDs ending up in the wrong hands.  Norris and the birthers create an unstoppable redneck-tarded Voltron-like force, the likes of which this country has never seen before.  When asked about the letter, Chuck responded by saying, “I’m going to see Obama’s name on some certificate by this Friday one way or another….if not his birth certificate then I’ll personally deliver his death certificate.”  Obama had recently started to treat the birther’s daily requests as a joke and posted these “authentic” birth certificates on the White House website:
Enlisting the help of Chuck Norris can only be seen as a decisive victory for the birthers, because when Chuck speaks – everyone listens…. to themselves die.  Birthers’ believe that Obama’s birth is a theory, much like Chuck Norris’ birth, except Chuck’s is known as the Big Bang. The government has not tried to hide its fear of Norris, as evident by the fact that he has never paid any taxes- even state sales tax.   Instead, Chuck sends them his 1040ez forms blank – with only a stapled picture of himself crouched in attack-mode.  Want another sign that Obama’s days are numbered in the white house?  Chuck is not only a racist, he invented it….after Mr. T beat him in Tic Tac Toe once.  However, this wouldn’t be the first time Norris ends the life of a President… back in 1963 he was responsible for killing President Kennedy.   Many people think JFK was assassinated, however excerpts from the Zapruder film clearly show that just as Oswald fired his rifle, Chuck deflected all three bullets with his beard.   JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

In a twist of irony, some are contending that the real reason Chuck Norris is getting involved is because he felt slighted, even disrespected by the absence of his name in the new Health Care Reform proposals.  Critics of the plan have pointed out that Norris’ name is not mentioned once in any of the proposals, despite simultaneously being the number one, three, and eight cause of death in this country. Just last week the President addressed the issue and said that, “Chuck is the ultimate pre-existing condition,” and said the industry practice of treating Norris as the big bearded killing machine in the room that no one wants to talk about, had to stop.” However, others think it was too late for Obama to reach out and the damage had been done. In the prophetic words of President Roosevelt… “We have nothing to fear except fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”

The 48th "certificate" claimed by the Birthers- a hieroglyphic picture detaling Obama's birth found inside ancient Egyptian pyramid.

The 48th "birth certificate" claimed by the Birthers is a hieroglyphic carving found inside an ancient Egyptian pyramid depicting Obama's birth. This is conclusive proof that Obama is not an U.S. citizen since it was clearly made prior to the U.S. being founded.

Some extra Chuck jokes:
Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman survives
Chuck was born in a cabin deep in the woods….. that he built with his own hands.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

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